Cleanin' out the old garage.

It's Saturday night, almost 11pm. Never, would I have thought, hey, I'm going to blog.I keep telling people, I'm sorry, I've been missing. Let's just say, I'm cleaning, organizing, getting myself positioned. I'm kind of in a cocoon.

My first pairs of baby shoes. My Mom kept so much stuff! So sweet.

Wow. Today. Wow. Cleaning out my 'papers' from childhood. Not only did I cross poetry I wrote in high school, I came across my first rose, my high school boyfriend's "do you like me or not?" note (not the same guy, but that was noted in a scrapbook). I found my grandparents cuckoo clock- I LOVED that thing as a child. I found Benji's old writings and am now packing them up in hope to find his mom and dad again. (To be honest and frank, Benji was a love of mine, 19-20 something. Benji was sick with Cystic Fibrosis (65 roses) and died in 2000. He was some one special).

Diane and John's Baby by Paul Swick (Uncle). This was for my baby shower. Paul was a great artist. The photo is just a random mall shot photo.

I was really down a while ago. I thought about deleting the first writing on this blog. This might be seen by professionals that I work with? Psht. Time to be known, I'm human. I didn't come from a 'high society family'. But going through the "It's a girl" baby shower gift notes to my mom, finding a heart locket that my grandparents made me with their photo in it, ....to putting away, "Lindsey" my first cabbage patch doll.

"Love you Joniene 1946". :) What a sweet memoir left for me. Thank you.

(That doll was a great story. Not only was it named after what my Mom had wanted to name me, my doll had a soft head with hand-painted eyes and yellow yarn hair. "Xavier" was not stamped on her soft bottom. See, my Mom had made Lindsey for me).

Soo...tonight I'm home, exhausted after a day of crying. Of remembering. And most of all, appreciating. I was coming to an end of garage cleaning, and the sun was heavier than I imagined it would be - as I was sweeping down the driveway and having my day come to an end...what happens? My sweet boyfriend shows up with his 300lb cousin, and a pool table in his truck. He said, "Well, we've been talking about it since we've been together." Wow. We have grown so much. In order to do that, we've both individually grown a lot.

I'm glad I'm cleaning it up. Moving ahead. And ready to shoot some pool at home. Life is really good. And I'm really lucky.

Waitressing

I worked at a 50's diner once when I was going to community college. Sometimes is was fun, most of the times, it could be awful. There were often complaints about the food having hair in it. We had these buses of older people come in on their way to the State Line (Nevada, about 45 mins before Vegas). These people would come in for 2 for 1 banana split specials. Sometimes up to 60 people at once..with only 2 of us to serve them. We had to personally made the banana splits. They would leave us very little tip .. I guess they were saving all their money for gambling. It paid some bills.

One day though, I served a single lady for lunch. I don't know why I must have been in a good mood that day- perhaps there wasn't a reason to be in a bad mood, or a bus of money gamblin' hungry older people didn't come in. But after the lady's lunch I was her "cashier" up in the front area. She stopped me after the transaction, and said, "You know, I was having a bad day before I came in here. Your attitude helped me today. Thank you." I was stunned, and smiled at her and say, "Yep, sure thing, have a good day."

I think I have two points to this blog today. 1. This happened over 10 years ago, and I still have a happiness from my attitude being able to help someone. 2. Days when I get down now, I can take from this story, from my younger self, and from the mysterious lady- that even if I'm having a bad day, that I don't have to wait until tomorrow to change. I can live today a better way. Right now.

Cheers to the power and the courage, for change, for the better. Cheers for today!

Best,

"Get over it!!!!"

Entry #1: (It's gotta start somewhere right)

• "Get over it" (my personal fave for many years). 

I am mad at myself. I feel like I've put myself in the same situation. Instead of taking responsibility all this time, I've been trying help change his life. I thought because I was in a good place, that I could "help" him. This has caused resentment toward me. Sometimes, blame. it's a lonely place. But...


I tire of victim behavior. I learned this from my Mom. She would cry like a child- how would we pay rent? The dog died. My brother and I became old at a very young age. Once again, I tired of the victimhood. So as an good little daughter with alcoholic behavior diagnosed in the family- I became good. Good grades, made dinners for my single mom who worked as a bartender. I made others happy. Why not, I pretty much think I am a genuinely happy person.

"Get over it"...that's my expression.  Life is too damn short to feel sorry for yourself. A quick background of people dying in my life, watching family members with rolled up dollar bills-this could give me all the excuses I could to become an addict myself. And I started going down that road. I feel blessed that I'm just beginning to open my eyes. I know that isn't going to be for me. Nor will/would I be held down by such.

So...If you don't have a solution- I can probably figure one out for ya.

Wait - why aren't you doing things my way? You were complaining. Complaining is best fixed with action. Didn't you want me to fix this? No. Okay, then I need to know how you are going to fix it. (gotta make sure this is up to my standards, after all). Why does it bother me? Because I do care, and I'm tired of your unhappiness. Can't you see the situation I'm in. Suffering with and for you. I'm not happy here.

And now, I've lost part of myself. I want to blame, but when I figure out it's me that has made these decisions, I get so angry with myself. So now- it's taking me everything I have (or at least some effort- you have to be careful with those slippery words- everything, always, never, etc.) to not make rash decision, but to make a decision to find myself again- cause, I rock! I just get mad at myself for not being a hard rock. I guess I'm learning that I'm a human rock.

Best,